My Favorite Spy Magazine Prank, from February 1993

...excerpts from my favorite Spy Magazine prank...

PARLIAMENT OF SUCKERS
From SPY Magazine, first published in the February 1993 issue...

We all remember being freshmen. The strangeness, the fish-out-of-water alarm, the terror that some big kid might humiliate us – why, it’s all just part of the fun of growing up!! But while the new members of Congress might feel a bit overwhelmed, it seems unlikely that nay veteran congressman – even Newt Gingrich, who seems as sadistic as any high school sophomore – will play pranks on the newcomers. Which leaves it up to us.

Prank Three:
We pretended to be Henry Rose, the host of a New York talk-radio program, and phoned several of the freshmen reps and interviewed them – live!! Here are the highlights.

*Freedonia, Marx Brothers fans will recall, was the country in which Duck Soup was set.

WE CALLED NICK SMITH (R-Mich.).
SPY: What should we be doing to stop the ethnic cleansing in Freedonia?*

SMITH: My impression, Henry, is we’ve gotta be very careful, that moving through the United Nations effort has a great deal of merit right now.

WE CALLED DON JOHNSON (D-Ga.).
Do you support Bill Clinton’s proposal to lift the ban on gays in the military?

No, I don’t.

I find it surprising that, as Georgia’s first openly gay congressman, you wouldn’t support that.

I’m sorry, did you say…What? You said I was the first what?

Aren’t you Georgia’s first openly gay congressman?

No, that’s not me, I don’t know that there is one.

We had a story come over the wire –

No, That’s not me. That’s not me.

WE CALLED JAMES TALENT (R-Mo.).
What should we be doing to stop the ethnic cleansing in Freedonia?

I think anything we can do to use the good offices of the U.S. government to assist stopping the killing over there, we should do.

WE CALLED DAVID MANN (D-Ohio).
Bill Clinton has proposed lifting the ban on gays in the military. As Ohio’s first openly gay congressman, do you support his position?

As Ohio’s first openly gay congressman – who’re you talking about?

Uh, the story in USA Today about –

Who is this? This isn’t me.

It’s not you?

No, no, no.

Is there another freshman who, uh –

There are six from Ohio.

There are six?

Uh-huh, Uh-huh. Anyway, if that’s true, that’s something that’s up at the other end of the state.

WE CALLED STEVE BUYER (R-Ind.).
Do you approve of what we’re doing to stop the ethnic cleansing in Freedonia?

Yeah. It’s a different situation that the Middle East.

WE CALLED CORRINE BROWN (D-Fla.).
Do you approve of what we’re doing to stop the ethnic cleansing in Freedonia?

Yes, and you know, I think all of those situations are very, very sad, and I just think we need to take action to assist the people.

WE CALLED JAY INSLEE (D-Wash.).
Do you approve of what we’re doing to stop what’s going on in Freedonia?

I have to be honest with you, I’m not familiar with that proposal, um, but it’s coming to the point now that a blind eye to it for the next ten years is not the answer.